The dark clouds are rolling in again *UPDATED*

UPDATE: Thank you all so much for your kind comments and emails. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to them; I honestly just haven’t felt up to it. Yesterday was as bad as Monday, and today was worse. I spent most of this morning in tears.

I did go ahead and call the doctor, who was out until noon tomorrow. I guess I’ll hear something tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know if they’ll go ahead and change my meds, or just have me wait until next week, or what.

I don’t plan on updating much. I just don’t feel like spending a lot of time on the computer these days. But I did want to thank you all for always being so kind and supportive. It means so much to me.

I also wanted to let you all know that Father-In-Law returned from the Gulf Coast today, safe and sound. He’s exhausted from working 16 to 18-hour days, but he’s (naturally) very glad to be home.

Thanks again, everyone. Hugs to you all.

* * *

Yesterday evening I looked at Deputy Dad and said, “Today I feel like the meds aren’t working.”

Remember last week, when I mentioned my recent bitchiness? Yeah, so that hasn’t gotten any better. And yesterday afternoon was particularly stressful, with the after school/homework/fussy baby situation. After almost two hours of (mostly) patiently helping The Drama Queen with her homework, while simultaneously trying to calm/occupy a very tired, cranky and fussy Big Boy (who did NOT take an afternoon nap at the sitter’s, and then refused to take one when we got home), I just SNAPPED. I turned into a MONSTER, yelling, stomping, slamming doors, throwing things. It was…I was just awful. I felt sick to my stomach. I just wanted to throw up. I kept thinking, maybe, if I just threw up, I could somehow purge all that anger and rage from my system. But of course I didn’t throw up, I was just miserable, until the waves of nausea eventually gave way to waves of guilt and self-loathing, and then to those old familiar feelings and thoughts that, really, wouldn’t my family just be so much better off without me? Don’t they deserve so much better than this?

I’ve been on the meds for about 7 weeks now. Things were really looking brighter there for a while, but now….well, not so much.

I know, I know….talk to the doctor, may need to change meds, blah blah blah. I will. I have another appointment a week from tomorrow. But I’m just dreading it now. After all the horror stories I’ve read about people switching meds, and the related side effects….well, to be honest, it just really frightens me.

I hate this.

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