Making a Plan

I updated my last entry. I seriously can’t believe I didn’t even think to mention that ‘episode’ when I was writing about depression in my past. It’s like I’d just blocked it from my memory. Makes me feel like…like I’m not being completely honest with myself, or something.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what factors were different in my life, when I was happier, when I didn’t have this huge, black cloud looming over me. Here are a few:

1. I exercised. I used to get up at 5:00 AM Monday thru Thursday to make the 5:30 AM aerobics class at our church. I am NOT a morning person, and I HATED getting up so early. But, with Deputy Dad’s crazy Deputy schedule, it was the only time I could go and not have to worry about what to do with the kids. And I really enjoyed the class, not just the exercise, but the interaction with the other women there, too. I quit going when I was five months pregnant with Big Boy, and I haven’t been back since.

2. I didn’t watch as much television. And when I did, I was usually doing something constructive while I watched (folding laundry, doing paperwork, etc.). These days, once I get the kids to bed, I usually turn on the TV and sit down in front of the computer. Which brings me to…

3. I didn’t spend time on the computer at home. (eep!) We didn’t even have internet access until about three years ago. Without internet, I was almost never on the computer. These days, I start twitching and convulsing if I go more than a few hours without checking email or checking in with the blogosphere.

. . .

The Plan:

1. First of all, I have GOT to talk to Deputy Dad. I’ve been trying to tell him for months that something’s wrong, and, in typical male fashion, he’s just not getting it. He’s off tonight and tomorrow night. I’m hoping we can sit down for a heart-to-heart.
Possible glitches:
(a) Last night I was thinking tonight would be a good time to talk. Then he ended up working ’til 5:30 this morning, and had to get up at 8:30 this morning and head out of town to pick up some medical records for a case he’s working. (It’s supposed to be his day off.) So I know he’ll be exhausted tonight, even if he manages to get a nap this afternoon.
(b) Today is my mother-in-law’s birthday, which means we’ll be celebrating with them tonight, as we should be. But. Instead of getting the kids to bed early, so Deputy Dad and I can talk, we’ll probably get home late, bathe the kids, and get them to bed late, and it may be too late to start a discussion by then.
(c) I get nervous when I have to talk about something serious and personal….and I have a sort of nervous twitch. I grin. And I get a little giggly. Yeah, I know, it’s stupid. And, do you have any idea how hard it is for anyone to take me seriously when I’m grinning and giggling?
UPDATE: We’ll have that discussion tonight. See update on #3 below.

2. I’ve got to start exercising again. I had already thought about that last night, and when I got to work this morning, I found another kind, thoughtful, and helpful email from Susie, who confirmed my thoughts on exercise and talked dirty to me about endorphins. (ROWR)

3. I need to call my doctor.
Possible Definite glitches: My ‘regular’ doctor – the one I used to see here in town, the one who treated me for depression after my miscarriage, moved over a year ago. The last doctor I saw was my OB/GYN, at my six-week checkup after I had Big Boy. OB/GYN is in a larger town an hour away.
When my ‘regular’ doctor left, I had my medical records transferred to Deputy Dad’s doctor’s office, but I’ve never seen her. I’m still debating this one, but I think I’ll probably go ahead and call my OB/GYN first, to see what he says.
UPDATE: Moments after posting this, I called my OB/GYN, who was very kind and very concerned, and spent about twenty minutes on the phone with me, just talking to me and asking questions. I have an appointment with him tomorrow at 1:00. He recommended that Deputy Dad come with me, so I pretty much have to have that talk with him tonight.
UPDATED UPDATE: Our sitter will be out of town tomorrow, and taking three kids with us to the doctor’s office would definitely be a Very Bad Idea; so it looks like Deputy Dad will have to stay home with the kids, and I’ll go to the appointment alone. It’s not ideal; I’d much rather he go with me. But at least I’m going.

4. I’ve got to…sigh…(this will hurt me more than it hurts you)…I’ve got to quit spending so much time on the computer at home. I’ve immersed myself so deeply into this blogworld, that I’ve become a virtual (ha!) recluse in my ‘real life.’ I need to reconnect with my 3-D friends.
Possible glitches: *twitch*

5. Though I do need to limit my at-home computer time, I won’t quit blogging or interacting with my online buddies. I need the freedom to bare my soul, and I need the release writing gives me, whether I’m being funny or serious. It just feels good – damn good – to write, and the interaction with my online buddies is….well, it means the world to me.
Possible glitches: None. It’s a winner.

. . .

Thanks again to everyone, for all your comments and emails, for your thoughtful expressions of kindness, for letting me know that you care about me, and that I’m not alone. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Thank you.


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