Rain falls in sheets this morning, water running angrily in the streets. The sky is dark and cheerless, pouring buckets of unrelenting gloom.
When I started this blog, it was to be a place to bare my soul, to pour out my innermost thoughts and feelings, under cover of relative anonymity.
Then I made some online friends, friends who now know more about me than some of my offline friends, friends who are thoughtful and kind and caring…
This isn’t going to make much sense, I can already tell, but I’ve got to get it out, so I’ll just keep typing…
In this small town, where my husband, mother-in-law, and father-in-law are well-known, respected members of the community, I wear the mask of the happy wife and mother. And – don’t get me wrong – I AM happy to be the wife of such an incredible man and the mother to these beautiful children. But there’s a darker side to me, a side I don’t want anyone to see.
Here on my bare-it-all-and-be-the-REAL-me blog, I’ve also been wearing a mask. Turns out, I don’t want my new online friends to see my Dark Side anymore than I want the folks in my ‘real life’ to see it.
I can’t help wondering what they would think…what would they think of the Deputy’s wife who struggles daily with suicidal thoughts, of the happy mother of three who feels like she’s losing a war?
I’ve been trying to tell him for months that something’s wrong.
“I’m just not handling things well.”
“I know you’re tired and stressed out. But you’re doing a great job. You’re a wonderful mother.”
No, I’m not.
I take care of the kids, because that’s what needs to be done. He’s at work, and they need to be fed, bathed, read to, and put to bed. So I go through the motions, the routine…and then I totally lose it when the girls won’t mind.
I’m SCREAMING inside, because I feel like we’re locked in a battle, and they’re winning.
What is wrong with me? I love them SO MUCH, but…I’m just not handling things well.
There are moments of happiness, moments when I look at them and my heart swells and I feel a flicker of joy…a tiny ray of sunshine making its way through the dark cloud that seems to have settled over my soul.
I feel like I need help. But I don’t know how or where to get it. We’re broke. I have no medical insurance. Even if I did go to the doctor, I’m guessing she’d give me a prescription which I cannot afford, so why bother going? To my knowledge, there are no therapists in our small town, no group therapy sessions to help sort things out…and even if there were, oh! the stigma! Can you imagine? I can hear the whispers now…“Did you hear? A is in therapy now.” “I know. I heard she’s suicidal. Those poor kids.” Gah. I will not do that to my family. They need someone who at least appears to be stable and well-adjusted. That’s the least I can do for them.
And I’ve seen the effects of a parent’s suicide on a family. I won’t do that to them, either. This morning, he left early, taking the kids to the sitter on his way. I sat on the edge of the bed and thought, this is a good time, wondering what was the best way. But I just won’t have my kids growing up with that stigma. That dark cloud would hang over them the rest of their lives, and their chidren’s lives, too.
This is not something I can talk about with anyone. I don’t even want to talk about it, to say the words out loud. That’s why I’m writing them here, trying to get it out, hoping this will provide some relief, hoping I can begin to make sense of these feelings. I’m hesitant to post this, because I know this is not the “me” that you guys know, and I think I’ve felt an obligation to my online friends to keep up the same appearances I’ve been keeping up in my ‘real life.’ But that’s not why I’m here, here being this corner of the online world, this little community which feels so much like family. It’s hard enough to wear the mask in my ‘real life’; I can’t do it here, too.
Please don’t feel obligated to comment. This one is for me. I’d turn off the comments, but I can’t do it for just one entry; I’d have to turn them all off, and I’m afraid it’d erase all the ones on the previous entries. I just needed this outlet.