Shoplifters will be Prosecuted

April 28, 2005

Deputy Dad mentioned the other night that one of his Law Enforcement Officer friends, “E”, (let’s call him LEO E, shall we?) had asked him if he had a strobe light. Deputy Dad thought LEO E was inquiring whether he had a strobe light on his patrol vehicle, so he responded, “Yeah, I’ve got one on my pickup.”

LEO E: No, no, no…I mean, do you have a portable strobe light, one that you can take into the house and plug in?

Deputy Dad: No. Why?

LEO E: Well, I shoplifted some love* the other night, and [the wife] never moved the whole time. I need a strobe light, so it’ll at least look like she’s moving. I asked [Law Enforcement Officer “B”] if he had one; he didn’t, but he offered to stand in the corner with two flashlights and turn them on and off real fast.

* * * *

*Yeah, I know. Shoplifted some love. That’s what he said. Sounds a lot like he was stealing it, getting it on the sly, doesn’t it? Which may explain why the wife didn’t move.

* * * * 

Update: I feel the need to explain that LEO E was joking when he asked Deputy Dad for the strobe light. These guys are all good buddies, and spend a lot of time (read: way too much time) talking about sex, as boys are wont to do when their wives are not around, and discussing who’s gettin’ some and who’s not, etc. They’re also prone to gross exaggeration. According to most of the guys, they NEVER get any. Since I am a lady, I won’t tell you that all the guys stay mad at Deputy Dad ’cause he gets it more than anyone. Oh, wait. I just did. *blush*


I thought we were a family

April 22, 2005

The Drama Queen left a note on the fridge for Deputy Dad and me last night. Her not-so-subtle way of making sure we would “discover” it was to say, “I’m putting this note on the fridge for you and Dad to find after I go to bed.”

I should note here that The Drama Queen was outraged at some sort of injustice – I can’t remember what it was this time – wherein, basically, she had not gotten her way. Not getting her way has recently become just cause for much weeping, wailing, and whining.

Deputy Dad and I giggled for several minutes after we read the note, and had to regain our composure before we went to discuss it with The Drama Queen.

Because it gave us such a chuckle, I thought I’d share it here, as it was written, complete with misspellings, punctuation errors, etc. (Give her a break. She’s only 8.)

The note is titled “Verses for EVER”, and the text is surrounded by hearts and doodles. In the left margin, The Drama Queen wrote, “I thought we were a family” then “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” (cascading down) “But now were not”

In the right margin, she wrote “love you Mom and Dad”, “I love you”, and “cool”.

The Drama Queen is apparently a fan of lists, just like her mother; because the body of the text is a numbered list:

1. Mom and Dad used to be nice But now look at them.

2. Dad is not Being very nice.

3. Mom isint either.

4. What are they thinking?

5. They are kind of being weard.

Then at the bottom:

We are a family right?
answer here now!

* * * *

[I just can’t tell you how I’m looking forward to her angst-ridden teenage years. Please. Just kill me now.]

Imaginary Superstar

April 22, 2005

Drama Queen: Mom, when I’m fifteen, will you buy me an air guitar?

LadyBug: Will I buy you a what?

DQ: Will you buy me an air guitar?

LB: Do you know what an air guitar is?

DQ: Yeah, it’s like a rock guitar.

LB: Nope……You already have an air guitar. Here, I’ll show you. Hold your left hand up like this. [Holding left hand out to the side.] Now hold your right hand in front of your belly, like this. [Right hand poised at “guitar” level.] Now move your right hand like this. [Simulating “strumming” of guitar.] That’s an air guitar. When you pretend to play a guitar, you’re playing an air guitar.

Miss Attitude: [Has been paying close attention and following instructions.] So…an air guitar is a guitar……made of air!

LB: Exactly.

DQ: [Is not nearly as amused or interested as Miss Attitude.] Well, I want a rock star guitar.

LB: [Mentally calculating how much money these kids are gonna end up costing me. They’re bleeding me dry, I tell ya.]

A matter of extreme urgency…Or not.

April 20, 2005

The Drama Queen: [Banging furiously on our bedroom door.]
LadyBug: What?
DQ: I need to talk to you IMMEDIATELY.
LB: What is it, Drama Queen?
DQ: Miss Attitude is pushing down too hard with my CRAYONS!

Hillbilly Teeth

April 20, 2005

For Danielle, by request:


Wisdom from Baby Boy

April 19, 2005


Baby Boy says, “Keep a spare book handy at all times.”

Baby Boy 10-Month Newsletter

April 18, 2005

Dear Baby Boy,

Last Friday you turned 10 months old. My mind is reeling at the thought that you’ll be a year old in a couple of months. You still seem so new, yet we can’t imagine what we ever did before you came along; you are such a part of us now.

This past month has been another whirlwind of illnesses and doctor appointments, for you and your sisters. Another few weeks of runny noses, coughs, and congestion, not to mention the recent barf-fest and the sleepless nights which continue to plague our household. Mom and Dad have been very tired and cranky, and we think it would be just wonderful if you could see your way clear to actually SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, instead of waking up every few hours and, well, crying out loud. We love to hold you and rock you and whisper to you, we really do, but some of the charm is lost at 3 A.M.

You’ve grown and changed so much this past month. We think you may be trying to set a record for the most baby milestones achieved in the shortest amount of time, because, Sweetie, you have had one. busy. month. For starters, you said your first word this month. And that word, my little angel baby, was (drum roll please) “Ma-ma.” Yes, that’s right. Even though both of your sisters said “Da-da” as their first word, you, YOU my sweet cherub, said “Ma-ma” first, thus clenching the title for Favored Child. The very same day you graced my ears with that beautiful sound, I went to check on you at bedtime and found you sitting up in your bed, peering over the top rail of the crib. You had pulled up to sitting! For the first time! It was so exciting.

Of course, Mom and Dad didn’t get the crib mattress moved down quickly enough, and you celebrated another milestone exactly two days later, when you pulled yourself up to STANDING for the first time, and promptly launched yourself over the top rail of the crib and onto the floor. We didn’t even know you COULD pull up to standing until your Daddy found you on the floor of your bedroom at 5:45 in the morning. We were so thankful you were okay, and Daddy moved the crib mattress down to the lower level that very day.

The most important milestone you’ve achieved this month has been finally cutting a couple of teeth. Child, you have been teething pretty much constantly for the last SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS, with nothing to show for it. And now that you actually HAVE a couple of teeth in your head, YOU LOOK LIKE A HILLBILLY. You somehow managed to cut your front LEFT tooth on the top, and your front RIGHT tooth on the bottom. So, instead of having two tiny little pearly whites lined up in a row, like a normal baby, you look like a redneck who lost a bar fight. And of course, you’re STILL teething. At this moment, you have at least two more bottom teeth coming in, neither of which line up under that one top tooth. Son, must you be so difficult about everything?

Which brings me to my next point…WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT?? We seem to be paying tenfold for all the comments we’ve ever made or received about what a good-natured baby you are. We were just going along on our merry way, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, tra-la-la, and then BAM! YOU DISCOVERED YOUR TEMPER. And now you like to display that temper when, for example, we feed you too slowly or not fast enough; we hold you or put you down; we lay you down, sit you up or stand you up; we try to soothe you or leave you alone; we hand you the wrong book/toy/food item; we don’t allow you to stick your hand in the ceiling fan or the light fixture (light bulbs are hot, Son); or, God forbid, we TAKE AWAY whatever item you have in your possession, including, but not limited to, car keys, dryer lint, paper, fuzz, your sisters’ headbands (freshly plucked from their hair by YOU, Mr. Grabby Hands), and any and all other items you can get your grubby little mitts on; the more off-limits, the better! You open up your mouth and let out a heartbreaking wail, tears pouring down your plump baby cheeks. You do this every. single. time. you don’t get your way. And, Baby Boy, can I just say something here? STOP THAT.

When you are not throwing your 10-month-old-baby tantrums, however, you are such an absolute joy. I’m still thrilled with the way you throw your arms around my neck and squeeze me so tightly when you haven’t seen me for a while. If you’ve been home with Daddy, and I walk through the door, it’s all Daddy can do to keep you from leaping out of his arms and into mine. In those moments, when you’re squeezing me like you just can’t get close enough, and you’re covering my face in sweet, slobbery kisses, you make everything worthwhile. The sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the teething and temper…all are forgiven and forgotten in those tender moments. And then when you laugh…Oh, Baby Boy, you have the sweetest, deepest giggle I’ve ever heard. When you get tickled at something, usually at one or both of your sisters, your giggle comes all the way from your toes. You laugh with your whole self, and everyone near you can’t help but join in. Baby, you light up our world.

I love you, my Sweet Boy, my Little Man.