THAT’S Entertainment

October 7, 2004

My baby has taken over my house. Last night I stood in the middle of the living room looking around, and thought This child has completely taken over.

Baby-related items in my living room: playpen, with fifty or so baby blankets draped across the sides, twelve hundred baby toys lying in the bottom, and a crib mobile attached to the rail; car seat and diaper bag on the fireplace hearth; portable swing, which folds up for convenience and travel but takes up WAY too much room when not folded for convenience and travel….is, in fact, decidedly NOT convenient when actually IN USE; car-shaped bouncy exersaucer-type thingy, which Baby Boy is not quite big enough for, but which we continue to put him in anyway, in our endless round of musical places-to-put-the-baby-where-he-might-stay-for-more-than-five-minutes-so-we-can-maybe-get-something-done-around-here; basket of diaper-changing items; fifty or so MORE blankets strewn in odd places over the floor and furniture; two hundred forty-seven burp cloths, also strewn in odd places over the floor and furniture just in case we happen to be sitting in just that spot when Mount St. Baby erupts.

Baby-related items actually located in the kitchen, but still visible from the living room: high chair, breast pump, and ANOTHER diaper bag.

And this is AFTER I removed TWO other baby-related items — a bouncy seat and another (not portable) swing — from the living room yesterday afternoon! I swear, my house looks like a Toys ‘R’ Us store threw up!

How did this happen? How is it that something so small (and cute! and adorable!) could cause such an upheaval? It’s been so long since the girls were babies, I guess I’d just forgotten (or mentally blocked) HOW MUCH GEAR BABIES NEED! And STILL we cannot keep the little dictator occupied for more than five minutes! Here’s a typical scene:

Mom…[Puts Baby Boy in the car-shaped bouncy exersaucer thingy]…Here you go, Big Boy. You sit here and play in your car while Mommy gets supper started. Here’s your teething ring. Who’s Mommy’s Big Boy? Huh? Okay…

Dictator…[Smiles at Mommy, for trying so hard]…Oh, looky at this car thingy….what’s a car?, and yes, here’s my teething ring, let’s see if I can get that in my mouth……okaaay…..there we go. Yes, I like that, that’s good, and look at the pretty colors, and….wait. Wait just a darn minute here! Where are the PEOPLE? The people! The people who ENTERTAIN me? How can I be expected to just SIT here and PLAY QUIETLY without the ENTERTAINMENT??? Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Mom…[Has had time to remove chicken from freezer and place into microwave]…What’s wrong with my Little Man, huh? Come here to Mommy, let’s just go get this microwave started…..there we go. You wanna lay in your playpen for a few minutes? You wanna watch your mobile, huh? Have you talked to your bears today? Here you go, Baby. [Winds mobile.] There, look at those bears dance. Now Mommy’s gonna go work on supper, okay?

Dictator…[Watching bears on the mobile chase each other ’round and ’round]…Oh, looky there…my bears!…Dance, bears, dance! I like that black-and-white one the best. And listen to that music, is that Brahm’s Lullaby? I believe it is. I like that one, though it’s not nearly as enthralling as Pachebel’s Canon. I mean, I can really get LOST in the Canon, and….WAIT! What the..? Where the HECK are the people?!? The Mommy person! The Daddy person! Why have you forsaken me, PEOPLE?? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so it goes, me moving Baby Boy from one piece of baby equipment to another, while trying (TRYING!) to cook supper, or do laundry, or wash dishes, or….just go pee, for crying out loud! (pun intended) Occasionally, the little dictator will say, in his best Queen of England voice, complete with accent “We are amused at your attempts to occupy us with these simple diversion tactics. Please do carry on, and we will scream incessantly to let you know when we have tired of your antics.” (I gotta hand it to him, he does a GREAT Queen of England.)


The whole point was (I think) that this baby has totally taken over my house, which is fitting, I suppose, since he’s completely taken over my LIFE as well. But really, I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go to the emergency room….I tripped over a baby blanket, ricocheted off the car seat, and landed in the playpen….and the little dictator was QUITE amused.