Deputy Dad returns this evening from a week out of town…

Legs freshly shaved?  Check.

Hair blow-dried and curled (i.e. no ponytail)?  Check, and check.

Makeup on?  Check.

Contacts in (glasses sometimes get in the way in certain…provocative situations)?  Check.

T!ts hoisted heavenward and looking spectacular?  Check, and CHECK.

On days like this one…

Sometimes, all a mother can do is count down the minutes until bedtime…

When you’re married to the law, those “just to say I love you” phone calls sound like this:

Cell phone rings; Deputy Dad’s work cell phone number is on the display.

LadyBug:   Hello, Handsome.

Deputy Dad:  Hey, what’re you doin’?

LadyBug:  Not much.  What’re you doin’?

Deputy Dad:  Oh, I was just lookin’ over these human bones and I thought about how much I love you.

Just when we thought it couldn’t get any loonier…

In the old-fashioned language that marks the Traditional version, the groom is reminded that “girls” need “clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat” — and is asked to provide them all.

The bride, in turn, is told that “young men are free and may forget” their promises.

(Click quote to read full story.)

If I roll my eyes any harder, my eyeballs will be permanently lodged in the back of my skull.

Lamest. Excuse. EVER.

“Sorry I’m late. I was waiting for the puppy to poop.”

More news on the puppy front, because - seriously - I really need something upbeat and cheerful right now

I’m trying to keep things light around here, what with NaBloPoMo and all, so I’m purposely avoiding discussing anything heavy going on in my Real Life.

There’s that word again; “heavy”. Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth’s gravitational pull?
–Dr. Emmett Brown

And, really, what could be more lighthearted and joie de vivre than an entire post dedicated to the misadventures of an unbelievably adorable puppy?

~

I had read that chihuahuas have no concept of just how small they are. Our veterinarian mentioned their ten-feet-tall and bulletproof nature. Henry is totally living up to that badass chihuahua rep. He takes on the world with utter fearlessness and doesn’t back down from anything.

Except the kitchen’s vinyl flooring. And his water bowl.

I set Henry down in the middle of the kitchen floor the other day while I was preparing his food. He froze, looked around, and - seeing no immediate escape route - sat there helplessly and whined until I rescued him.

When confronted with his water bowl, he backs away slowly, then turns tail and runs the hell away from there. If he’s extreeeeeemely thirsty, he might take a few laps of water; but then he gets his butt away from that spooky, creepy water.

~

Henry folds himself in half in order to bite (not nibble seductively…chomp masochistically) his own…umm…boy parts. I find it repulsive, but also a bit fascinating.

~

Henry doesn’t seem to know what to do with his tail, after he catches it.

~

We’re fairly certain Henry has worms, since he’s been doing the butt-scootin’-boogie the last few days. Our veterinarian, as it turns out, is in freakin’ Hawaii, so we’ll have to wait until Friday to get Henry’s pooper problem taken care of.

~

Henry loves to play rough, grabbing fingers (or toes) (or noses) (or ears) (or pretty much anything he can get his razor-sharp puppy teeth into) and pulling for all he’s worth, all the while growling fiercely. And when I say fiercely, I mean if Henry’s growl were a person, it’d be Norman Needermeyer, the only boy in ninth grade gym class without pubic hair, and the tallest member of the Vienna Boys’ Choir.

Also? Let’s be sure to catch that on film, shall we?

Have you seen this news item, about Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey getting into a “scuffle” on the set of Grey’s Anatomy?

Come on, boys. The least you guys could do for your fans is strip down to your boxer briefs and get oiled up before you go at each other like that.

Recent Conversation at the LadyBug house

While watching The Wedding Date, starring Mr. Hunky McScrumptious Himself, the delectable Dermot Mulroney:

Can we all just take a moment here to bask in the loveliness that is Dermot Mulroney? He is YUMMY with a side of ROWR.

Wait. Where was I? Oh yes…

While watching The Wedding Date last weekend…

LadyBug (to Deputy Dad): That sounds like Harry Connick, Jr. I wonder if that’s who it is?

Later…after the movie…

LB: Did you watch the credits? Was that Harry Connick, Jr.?

DD: No, it was Michael Bubble.

LB: It was…wh-huh?

DD: Michael Bubble.

LB: Wait. You mean Michael Bublé??

DD: That’s what I said.

LB [stifling giggles]: No. No, it wasn’t.

Advice from the Trenches

Never have more kids than you have hands.

Open Letters

Dear Complaint Department:

So…yeah…umm…about today… It…umm…totally did NOT work for me. In fact, it really, really sucked. I hereby request a do-over. With…umm…a stand-in Mom? A stunt double? Maybe? Because, geez, I am abso-fucking-lutely exhausted.

Sincerely yours,
LadyBug

~

Dear Guy In the White Truck Who Ran the Fucking Stop Sign and Almost Ran Me Over:

I was not waving at you. I was trying my damndest not to flip you off.

Up yours,
LadyBug

~

Dear September:

You suck. I mean, you really fucking suck. You suck so much that you’ve actually got me using the F-word. Me! The freaking F-Word! I cannot fucking wait until October shows up to kick your sorry ass to the curb.

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out,
LadyBug